20 Questions

Q. Where do you live?
A. Scotland

Q. Whereabouts exactly?
A. Are you stalking me?

Q. Who do you live with?
A. My human servant, Suzie

Q. Do you have a partner?
A. Only in crime

Q. Who's your best friend?
A. Smoky at number 18

Q. Are your parents alive?
A. Don't know about my mum and my old man's immortal

Q. What does your father do?
A. All kinds of bad stuff

Q. What time do you rise?
A. When my stomach dictates

Q. How do you spend your day?
A. Asleep

Q. Where do you go out at night?
A. The garden

Q. What would be your ideal job?
A. Lap tester

Q. Where would you most like to be?
A. On a fat wheelchair-bound lap surrounded by prawns (shrimps)

Q. Who is your fictional hero?
A. Tom

Q. Fictional villain?
A. Jerry

Q. What are your vices?
A. How long have you got?

Q. What are your virtues?
A. Are you kidding me?

Q. What single thing would most improve your life?
A. Opposable thumbs

Q. Who would you like to sit next to at a dinner party?
A. A blind man eating steak

Q. Who would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
A. A prawn salesman who is prone to fainting in enclosed spaces

Q. What is your motto?
A. Do unto others as much as you like

Favourites
TV	Cat food commercials
Smell	Fear
Food	King prawns fried in butter and dipped in cream at room temperature
Sport	Late-night poker
Colour	Black with a hint of jet
Time of day	Half-past bedtime
Time of year	Bleak mid-winter - in front of a roaring fire
Body part	The hand that feeds me
Music	Birdsong at close quarters
Country	The land of nod. Goodnight